In a personal essay for The Players’ Tribune titled Born Crazy, Bottas reflected on the obsessive mindset that carried him from rural Finland to the F1 grid, and the point where that same mentality pushed him too far.
“Back then, my entire identity was racing. I did not give a damn about anything else. It’s not a problem until it’s a problem,” Bottas wrote.
“And in 2014, it became a big problem.”
He detailed how a suggestion from Williams to lose five kilograms ahead of the 2014 season spiralled into extreme habits and restriction, with performance targets quickly overtaken by fixation.
“When you tell me five kilos in two months, my brain thinks, ‘Five? Why not 10? We can make the car even quicker’,” he said.
“OK, now the silly Finnish guy has to get a little bit serious. I won’t bore you, don’t worry. I am not going to cry here. We don’t have to play the dramatic music.
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“But yeah….. Basically, I started starving myself.”
Bottas described a period of extreme control over diet and training, which he later realised had pushed him into a dangerous physical and mental state.
He admitted waking up in the night with a racing heart and believing he was functioning normally, despite what was happening to his body.
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“I would wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning on my own, no alarm. My heart would be beating out of my chest,” he added.
“I was like a drug addict. ‘I’ve never felt better!’ Ha. Completely delusional.”
The Finn said he also began experiencing dizziness, palpitations and emotional detachment, though he continued to hide the severity of the situation from those around him.
“I kept everything from my team and even my teammates. Even my family didn’t know,” Bottas said.
“In the paddock, you can’t show any weakness.”
A turning point came later in 2014, following the serious accident involving Jules Bianchi at Suzuka, which Bottas said contributed to a growing sense of emptiness and detachment from risk and reward.
“I didn’t find joy in anything anymore,” he wrote.
“I said, ‘No. If I die, I die.’”
The 36-year-old said he eventually sought help from a psychologist, describing the experience as both confronting and relieving after months of denial.
“That was a big relief, just to say it to somebody,” he said.
“I had run myself into the ground – mentally and physically.”
Bottas also reflected on his later years at Mercedes alongside Lewis Hamilton, where he often filled a supporting role during the team’s title battles.
He admitted the experience left him questioning his future in the sport.
“To this day, I have complicated feelings about it,” he said.
“The whole situation almost made me walk away from the sport.”
Despite that, Bottas says he eventually rediscovered balance, perspective and motivation, particularly after a winter walk in Finland that reshaped his mindset.
“I decided to only think about ‘What’s next?’” he wrote.
Returning to the grid in 2026 with Cadillac after spending 2025 as Mercedes’ test and reserve driver, Bottas starts his 250th Grand Prix in Miami this weekend and said he feels healthier and more fulfilled than at any point in his career.
“I am the happiest I’ve ever been, and I am the best driver I’ve ever been,” he said.
He also reflected on returning to the grid this season with renewed appreciation.
“I can honestly say that coming back to Melbourne for the opening race this season was the most special moment of my entire career,” he explained.
“Even more special than my first race. I think back then I was too nervous to even enjoy it.
“At Melbourne this year, I was actually taking it all in during the anthems.
“I was looking at the other 21 drivers all lined up, and it felt like Christmas Eve.”
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